A word when read, doesn’t look like much and yet is huge. A word that can consume your brain in a matter of seconds and yet is silent. A word that to read and not have, is one crazy hell of a word to understand.
Anxiety to me, is a mind map, a mind map so big that it could fit an entire field of endless thoughts. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I sleep, and don’t even get me started on the early hours of the morning. On one of the arrows in the mind map, there will be a positive thought. This positive thought can be anything, big or small, from a happy day out with my son, to a friend helping me out when I really needed it.
Now from those positive thoughts, you not only get the sense of gratitude, and happiness, or a memory that you’ll cherish forever, you get a numerous amount of negativity to co-inside with it. Why? Even when the moments are great?... who knows!
Now everyone’s circumstances are so difference, and you could have a number of people around you, helping you when you need it, but anxiety still has a way of making you feel so, so alone. It’s like a voice in your head that just keeps on talking. Telling you you are burden or something is going to go wrong? Now I know I am not alone, and yet I still can’t convince my brain otherwise.
When someone helps me, I am beyond grateful, I really do appreciate the little things. It means so much. However my mind, just won’t stop the guilt. ‘Why didn’t I solve the issue myself?’, ‘I shouldn't need to ask for help, I’m meant to be an adult, so why did I?’ ‘Did they only help me because they felt bad?’ ‘Am I a bad person for accepting help when I need it?’ ‘They are not going to want to be friends with someone who needs a hand here and there’
When I go outside sometimes, just walking to the shop can become an issue on bad days. People stare to much, (they probably honestly couldn’t give a shit, but my mind doesn’t think that). ‘I look horrendous, I look about twelve, people are staring because I have a child?.’ When bubs crying whilst I’m in public... my heart begins to beat faster, and faster. The palms of my hands start to get a little sweaty, and as I console him my mind starts to race at a million miles per hour, I keep looking around whilst I try and calm him down... ‘people are going to think, I’m just another young mum, who can’t keep her child under ‘control’. ‘people are starting to stare, c’mon we can do this’ ‘right pit stop at one more shop and we’re are done’... until... ‘I give up. I just need to go home and it’ll be fine’
I worry about all the bad things that could happen in any possible situation, before they have even happened. It gets so bad sometimes that in the moment, I miss the moment because I was too caught up in my thoughts to be in the now. I worry about the negative things, whilst missing out on the positives.
Recently i’ve been stressed and emotional, i’ve had laughter, love and tears. Examples; I cried because I sat down with my gorgeous little boy, care free for just a few minutes, he looked at me, held my hand, and smiled. Nestled himself beside me, etching a little closer till there was no space left to move up anymore, and he cuddled me. I just watched him, his facial expressions. That happy, no worries smile. What I’d give to go back to that.
I cried because my best friend and family, know just what to say when my minds all over the place, and I ramble about my troubles. They are always there, willing to help me and bubs when we need it. And I cried because a lovely person offered me a lovely little bedroom set for bubs new room, and It just hit me that he is going to me in his own room now!
See to someone reading this who may not quite understand, what’s so bad about that?. But to me, I cried because I was happy and relieved, but also upset, because I felt helpless, like I shouldn’t be allowed the good times and accept the help.
Bubs being all sweet; that has no catch, I enjoyed that time, because time is a precious thing. But yet it makes me think about how much time I’ve already missed because I worry too bloody much. My best friend and family helping me when I need it; they are amazing, and they want to help where they can, just as I will them in anyway that I can. And I know this! - and yet I still doubt that they wont be able put up with my self-doubt and utter nonsense I always seem to ramble on about! That lady’s kind gesture, she is clearly a nice person and wanted to give them to someone who will appreciate them just as much. But yet I still think i’m awful for accepting it?
So why do I ramble about these mad thoughts, that may even seem like they don’t make sense. I ramble Because it helps me, it makes me realise that I may not be as crazy as I seem. It makes me realise that I am certainly not the only one with an anxiety ridden mind, stuck in a battle that I do intend to win one day.
But most importantly, it makes me understand my thoughts, and gives me, whether it be five or thirty minutes in the day, to let them roam, and be free. It’s a sense of relief, and making the thoughts a realistic reality (whether they are true or not) They don’t own me. I do not want my anxiety to catch every positive thing an make it into a negative. And I’ll get there. One way or another.
Just as anyone in the same boat, who fully understands, we go through a constant unseen battle everyday. Some days are worse then others, but most days in reflection aren't actually as bad as they seem and everyday we make it through that battle. We wake up the next day, we carry on... That’s an accomplishment in itself! Anxiety never goes away, but you do not, and I certainly won’t let it beat me. We got this! Just keep on going! 💪🏼
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